Let’s start from the beginning

Life doesn’t always go the way we think it should. One of the things I told James when we got together, both dealing with the losses of loved ones… life writes itself, life doesn’t ask for permission and the road you think your on is subject to change at any time, without notice.

James and I have known each other for about 15 years now. We met when our boys were young playing baseball. I was friends with James second wife Jacy who passed from leukemia last year. James first wife Kim passed away almost 20 years ago from heart failure. I know what you’re thinking, this guy doesn’t have the best luck with wives.. yes, I guess it can be seen that way, however, as I explained to James (who warned me in the beginning with the same words) it’s not about luck. I believe it’s about being able to give the very best of yourself to someone that needs you. James is the very best man for that job. I believe that’s why he was placed with those 2 beautiful women that he gave all of his love to, they needed him to be there for them. Now he needs me to be here for him, and I’m the best woman for this job.

Jacy used to tell me James and I were two peas in a pod. I didn’t think much of it back then all I took that as was this guy must be really cool then! Ha! While I don’t remember when James and I actually met, we knew of each other without knowing each other for many years, if that makes sense. He was just my friends husband after all. I do remember always admiring his wit and ability to keep his humor intact even in the worst situations. He is a blogger and my biggest inspiration to blog now thru this journey.

2017 was by far the worst year for my soul. In this order, I lost my sister, my divorce was finalized after 13 years of marriage, my father died of brain cancer and then my dog was hit by a car and killed. Needless to say losing Jacy less than a year later just kept my nightmare going. Somehow with the shit pile of life there’s always flowers that bloom off it, right? We can certainly tell ourselves that anyway.

Grief begets grief. No matter how strong we believe we are, losing people that we love is hard. Losing more than one in a short period is harder. Anger tends to tear its ugly face no matter how positive you try to keep your thinking. After hearing Jacy passed I reached out to James with my condolences, the holidays were approaching and I knew like me he must be dreading it. There’s a sort of comfort in knowing your not alone in grief. Even when the same people hold a different piece of our hearts than they do for others. I think James and I started this as grief buddies. We were both hurting and mad at life.

Somehow when James and I were together we laughed more than we cried, (yes we cried together a lot at first) we were like best friends that knew each other in a past life. It was almost scary how alike we are, neither of us realized it all these years.

Jacys words hit me one day about a month after James and I started hanging out, Wow all those years ago, she knew. I realized James and I had began something, unintentionally. I found myself missing him, his smile, his humor, his ability to make me feel lighter. We talk everyday, come to think of it, we have never stopped. We have consistently conversed all day, all night from day one since just before Christmas Day. I sat down with James at dinner late Jan and asked him what he wanted, without hesitation he said “this”. It’s a funny thing, life. I knew I wanted to be with him to, for the first time in my life I felt safe. My only hesitation was his grief, his loss. I asked him if he was sure, maybe he needed more time. Society has a funny way to make us feel as tho we are wrong for moving on after loss. The ideas that some people hold as though there’s a timeline to be followed. He assured me he didn’t need time, he knew he needed me now. I held back just to be sure… he asked me a week later to make it official, us. I agreed with all my heart and no hesitations.

A few months had passed and we never skipped a beat, two peas in a pod. Unapologetic to those who chose to criticize. We were happy and nothing was gonna change that!