Today

Here we are a week away and the scramble begins. Projects need to be finished, things need to be in order for the long hiatus that’s ahead. We had originally planned to take this last weekend trip away, we now decided we need to stay close… just in case.

So the projects at home take priority, keeping our minds and bodies busy as to not think too much about what’s just around the corner. You can feel the apprehension in the air, almost a gloomy sadness. I refuse to believe that anyone in this situation can go into it without some level of fear and anxiety. I do my best everyday to reassure James the best I can. “I know you’re scared, I know you’re worried… everything will be ok and I’ll be right there by your side, everyday…every way” while I know my words can’t possibly alleviate all the things that must be dancing thru James head these days. I can only hope they help to some extent.

James anxiety is growing now. He has nightmares almost nightly. Daily chores seem to trigger fears. The “what if this is the last time I do this”, kind of fears. Again I remind him “Babe this is all temporary, this is fixable and it’s going to be ok” I can’t say I’m not scared to, I don’t hide these fears from him either, when James is scared I’m scared. I know I need to be strong right now. I see the tears in his eyes when the fear takes over, it’s a gut wrenching feeling for me. James is by far the strongest man I know. I know he will get thru this and be even stronger after the fix. But right now, it’s my job, to be is strength, to be his rock.

We continue to stay busy as we count down the last week to surgery day. Keeping kids happy, animals happy and everything in between. We keep working and laughing taking time out to hold each other and try to forget for a few minutes what’s ahead.

Days keep flying by, I know tomorrow will hold another moment, good, bad maybe both. Whatever tomorrow brings, I will hold James right now and be thankful that I get to be the one to love him. I got to see his smile, hear him laugh and wake up to the sound of his heartbeat again, today.