4 more days

I woke this morning, my head on James chest with the realization this would be the last morning I would be able to sleep in with him, pain free for a few months. This was our last Sunday funday for a while. With that I rose out of bed, ran a bath and began our day.

There’s something to be said about a nice hot morning bath after sleeping in with the love of your life. This quiet peaceful feeling of serenity as I lay back in the bath on James chest with his arms around me. I love this man. He has a way of making me feel at ease….safe. I can feel his apprehension getting stronger everyday as we get closer to surgery day.

Symptoms these days are growing more obvious. I notice he is harder to rouse in the morning. The shortness of breath and seemingly over exertion on what used to be easy light daily cardio is bothersome. James gets frustrated easier these days, he is more forgetful as well. I can tell by the look on his face during these moments he’s wondering, will I ever be normal again? Is this how I’m going to be for the rest of my life? I stop him in these moments, grab his hand, look him in the eyes and remind him “this is temporary babe” he wants to believe me. He nods and continues on with what he’s doing. I look very forward to being able to say “I told you so!” next year or even sooner, I hope.

Sleepless nights are very prominent these days. The anxiety soars through his entire body at night, even his dreams. Sometimes he wakes in an absolute panic, sweating, heart racing. It’s in these moments where I wish there was something more I could do to alleviate these feelings of his. All I can do is remind him that I love him and I’ll be by his side no matter what, everything will be ok. Obviously we don’t know that for sure but we must keep that hope in front of us….4 more days.

I took James to the beach today. We drove in his Jeep, wind spinning thru our hair, the sound of rock music in the background. One of James’ happy places, I look at him in admiration as I do. It’s hard to believe in an instant this could all be taken away. We sing, laugh and poke fun at cars.. and drivers, ha! James and I are best friends. We do everything together. I haven’t found anything I don’t enjoy with him by my side. So many things we want to do in this life, now that we found each other. So many plans we have to put on the back burner for a while.

4 more days, to love, to laugh, to sing, to place my head on his handsome chest. 4 days to listen to his heart sing my favorite song. Will his heart sing a different song after this? Will his heart sing anymore after this? 4 more days to the next chapter… the unknown next chapter begins.