The roller coaster

We have all heard that red hot chili pepper song roller coaster… of love, say whaaa!! Yeah well today began our roller coaster… of emotion, oh yeah. Both of us were side swiped hard today.

I woke as I normally do, alarm at 0540 am, wayyyy to comfortable today in James arms, so I snooze it up for another 16 min. I proceed to get ready for work, James gets up with me this morning. It’s been a few weeks since he’s been up with me before I head off to work. It was a nice change. Kisses, coffee and I love you’s and off I went. Today was my Friday, my last day at work till James is home and settled from surgery. And off we go….

Everything seemed normal pulling out of the driveway, heading down the dirt road in the morning. The surrounding ranches and crop fields still waking up, birds singing, farmers just getting on their tractors to begin their days. I’m making good time this morning and all is right in the world. There’s my first mistake, thinking…

I continue on my way and arrive at work with time to spare, even scoring a front row parking spot today, that hasn’t happened on a weekday in months! Work went well, I have a few close coworkers that actually give a damn about me and offer their unconditional support, it’s a good feeling to have people you just work with care like that. I’m blessed to work where I do, even on the terrible days there, the people I work with make it worth it, everyday. The day drags by but finally gets to quitting time and I clock out and begin my trek back home to James.

As I’m walking out to my car I’m overwhelmed by this feeling of sadness. I realize now that my work day is over the only thing straight ahead is James surgery. My anxiety level sky rockets. My mind starts racing. What if this is the last time I’m coming home from work to James? What if this is the last time we have our what’s for dinner texting? What if, what if. Sadness rolls in quick and before I know it I’m sobbing. I love this man immensely. I can begin to imagine my life without him nor do I want to. Songs on the radio continue to play, all about finding the love of your life and never letting them go.

I gotta get it together. I have 12 more miles to go, he can’t see me like this. I’m the rock, I’m the one that has to keep it together. “Suck it up Lyns” I say aloud. I compose myself and proceed. The rest of the evening seemed to house this sort of sadness in the air.

“What’s wrong babe” I asked James

“I feel like I’m running out of time” he says

“To do what honey”

“Everything” he states

My heart hurts tonight. James heart hearts tonight. We are heading into pre op tomorrow morning. The beginning of the unknown. Scared and unsure, we continue our daily chores and then head to bed. This roller coaster shall continue tomorrow and I can only put on a happy face and stay positive for James, and me right now.

I love you James, everyday, every way.