The results are in!

James labs are back resulting an elevated D-dimer, typically indicative of a PE (pulmonary embolism) I guess if the pneumonia was bad enough a clot could have formed in his lungs, well that would really suck!

Back from CT, James and I continue texting while we are awaiting the results of the CT, with our morbid EMS sense of cold humor, we continue joking about what condition he may have and how now that we finally found each other life is gonna screw us over again. (We were really rooting for de scurvy… arg!)

Little did we know that our jokes… were right on the money. Life doesn’t need permission, after all.

The physician enters the room and proceeds to tell James he has an aortic aneurysm on his ascending aorta. James is in absolute shock. “You don’t tell a firefighter he has a fucking AA doc!” The physician apologizes and tells James he is lucky we found it now. He was right. We are very lucky to have found it at all.

James works in the fire service, in his experience as an EMT the past 20+ years he has seen this diagnosis, many times in the field. “It never ends well, doc!”

Surprisingly in the Emergency room these aneurysms are found incidentally, more often than people know. Some early that are just watched until they pass the thresh hold for surgery. Some are found later requiring immediate emergency intervention. James is referred to a local cardiologist and added to their first available appointment, the following week.

“Babe” He texts me.

(I’m working a critical case in the emergency room so I’m unable to respond promptly.)

“Aortic aneurysm.”

“It’s small, I’m being referred to cardiology for possible future surgery. He is thinking they are going to want to, because now is the time since they caught it. He told me not to be alarmed and we were lucky I did the CT and found it now.”

“Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck!!”

“Are you fucking kidding me!!”

“He was being all positive and shit, but I know! I fucking know how these things play out! Fuck me! Fuck, fucking me!!!”

I finally get a moment to look at my phone

“WHAT!”

“Omg babe”

I could read the terror in his mind, feel the fear in his heart. All I wanted to do was leave work, drive straight out to him and hold him, reassure him that everything will be ok, I’m not going anywhere, I’m here, we can do this. It took everything I had not to burst into tears right there in the emergency room. I don’t quite know how to explain the love I hold for this man, I don’t want him to ever feel pain, I don’t want him to ever have fear. I took a breath and remembered who I am.

“Right??” He texts “you know, you know how this shit works out!! Fucking AA. What did I do babe! What the fuck did I do to deserve this?”

I felt terrible for him, I know what he was thinking, after losing two wives and countless years of trying to save lives daily.. why me? He was taking this as a death sentence, and based on his field experience it’s completely understandable.

In an attempt to educate myself as the research hound my brain is and always has been… I begin my journey, yes right at that moment I knew what I had to do. Find the best surgeon for him, gather any and all information I can online and talking to my coworkers about how to best navigate this. This will not be a death sentence. Come hell or high water, I refuse to allow this wonderful, amazing, beautiful soul sweet sweet man to feel how he does right now, helpless, hopeless…alone.

He continues before I can respond

“He’s like, it’s small. It’s a good thing we caught it. Cardiology will be better at telling you all the details.

I’m fucking afraid to cough! I know it’s hyper sensitive of me and it’s prob going to be fine. But it’s a fucking AA!!

You know mentally what that means to someone like us!! Fuck I wish I was stupid right now!!!

Hey good news

No PE.

Ha ha ha”

(Some profane emojis follow)

At this point I’m a myriad of emotions. I respond the only way I know how. The way I know he would for me…

“Babe”

“Yeah” He responds

“I love you

We will get thru this together

It will be ok”

” I love you too. I’m fucking terrified” he proclaims.

This was by far one of the most heartbreaking moments for me. Why am I here at work, He’s there with this terrible news, all alone, freaking out and I’m so far away. I shouldn’t be here, I should be there with him, by his side… holding his hand.